Family Matters

In my last post I shared a cathartic experience I had in a yoga class during my trip to Michigan for my nephew’s high school graduation last month.

Everything about the trip held a lot of emotion for me. I was surprised in some ways and not surprised in others.

The graduation ceremony in particular affected me deeply.  I haven’t spent that much time back in Michigan and therefore haven’t had the chance to celebrate all the different markers and milestones that matter.  I missed out on so much of my nieces’ and nephews’ lives and there’s really no way to get that time back.  I mourn that loss.

At the same time I acknowledge that I was doing my own work to get myself back through different therapies to assist me in coming to terms with a very traumatic childhood.  When I left Michigan I left everything, everyone and every experience behind without looking back.

I’ve spent the last number of years reclaiming my past as I had completely cut myself off from it. When I came back in to town the thought that kept coming up was clear “was I there to say a deeper hello or a deeper goodbye?”

In reality, it was a bit of both. I had come to embrace the past I left behind and found myself really enjoying my time in Michigan – with my family, with friends, with the beauty of the location.

I could see and feel that the fear and the internal “hate” for the place and all the experiences as a child had transcended.  What was left was a deep and fulfilling feeling of being connected to my family, friends, and the place I grew up.

I am so grateful to have had this experience.  When I went to graduation dinner last and it was time for me to leave – I just looked at my beautiful family. I could feel that I wasn’t ready to leave and just started to cry. I am so thankful for these feelings and to know I am beginning to feel at this level of love.

I had become so isolated, not only inside of myself but in the world.  I think that part of me was so afraid to love at this level because I feared that I would also have to say goodbye at some point.

What a strange feeling; to deny myself the connection to family because of the fear that it would be transitory. But moments MUST be about the now; the how-to instead of the what-if.

“How to” love my family. “How to” honor myself and those around me. Not “what if” it’s scary. It has to be a full embrace of hello followed by a full embrace of goodbye.  No unresolved emotions. No unfinished business. It’s a building block of the SoulSpace process and one that clearly applies outside of the home (more on this next time)..

So for now I send you all a warm hello. And I bid you all a safe good-bye.

Until we meet again,

XB